I’m Better…

Y’all I hate! Like seriously hate my ex! I hate myself for falling for him. I hate the stupidness that I have to endure from him. I hate the fact that my heart is a little bit darker now. I hate that he causes me to hate!

This is such a foreign feeling for me. I try to love everyone, even people who have done wrong by me.  I am a true believer of forgiveness. We all know forgiveness is not for the other person, but for yourself. Anger weighs you down. It makes you tired and old. And yet, I have so much anger and spite for this man!

I could literally punch him in the face every time he dares to say “I love you” or ” You are the love of my life”. The nerve of him to do so much dirt and then think that I would ever take him back! I let him into my life, my heart and he just shitted on all of it. Even if he does love me, he has turned my good nature savage. I can feel the anger in my bones, in my finger tips as I write these words. It sucks, it really does. I never wanted to be like this. I wanted to love him. I wanted to be his safe haven. I wanted to kiss away all of his scares. I wanted to be his… his highest achievement… his prize possession… his reason to get up each day!

And he fucked it all up!

There’s nothing I can do about now… Other than be amazing and move on.

As I am about to close out my 90 man cleanse, I have finally come to terms with the damage and scaring this past relationship has done. At first I basically ignored my hurt. At times I would be angry, other’s I thought about going back. Now… now I feel free and above it all. I hate what he has done, but I can not change him or the past. The only thing I can do is be better.

My Daddy has always told me “The best revenge is doing well”, and this is what I intend to do. I will be better. I will know better. I will do better. In the next relationship, I will take my time. I won’t settle for nice words. I won’t wait around to see if things will get better. I won’t try to love him into being a man. I have finally learned my lesson, and will look a whole lot longer before I fall again.

My hatred… well it’s apart of me now. I can not make it go away. It will have finish its slow burn. It’s a reminder of where I went wrong, and where I never want to return. In time, I am sure it will settle itself and I will forgive him. I have a loving nature and can’t be ugly for too long. Just like the scars of my skin from my childhood, I’ll remember the fall and do everything in my power not to fall again.

Lol btw… if you don’t get the picture, do yourself a favor and checkout Missy Elliot’s song I’m Better!


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